Archive for January, 2012

A Tear’s Worth

January 18, 2012

          “How much bitterness does a tear imply

            To let it fall and clouds the sky

            Can a single drop level endless pain

            So for lives lost it need not rain…”

Excerpt from the poem entitled ” MARAYA CHELYN” by the same author.

I can only remember three instances in my life where I cried really hard and let every single bit of frustration, pain, grief and fear flow out of me, myself, my spirit or whatever is there deep inside of me.  First  was when we were left alone very young by both our parents without anything.- Food, water and money. Second was when I unexpectedly attended a prayer meeting where I cannot stop crying for reasons  I cannot explain. And last was when my daughter died in a “slaughter”  hospital because I don’t have enough money to pay a decent one.

I always  feel better and stronger after each time I belt out the pain inside of me , however…as if I am ready to take the next  dosage of those unimaginable anguish that is always inviting insanity to my brain. At that particular time, when I was too young and helpless, I questioned the justice that is being instigated by a popular and trusted GOD. For a young mind, I guess, it is only normal. But for those  whose loved ones were taken away from them violently and unexpectedly, GOD never even exist.

My  neighbor best friend, who happened to be a pastor, once questioned GOD’s judgement after his older brother was shot to his death in a hold up incident about 200 yards from their home. “It was clear” he said, refering to GOD’s words, ” that those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.” And he burst in tears when he explained that his brother doesn’t even know how to hold a gun. At the time that he was so tired of crying, I came to say goodbye and told him that I felt the same way when my daughter died. But after two years I realized that what happened is the best for the family. I concluded by saying “let us talk about this again after two years” then  left the house and never looked back.

Exactly after a year he came to my door knocking one night. As soon  as I opened up he said “I guess you’re right. It is the only way he can go to heaven. ” He turned around and left without saying anymore word. I never  asked him about the reasons why he concluded or realized what he has said to me that night. I am not interested as I never told people why my daughter’s death had become an eye opener to the rest of us.

I had always believed that nothing more in my life can take me down on my knees and burst in anguish as I did when my precious daughter died. I thought life’s hardships had completely turned me into a man of steel, completely unbreakable. I supposed it was GOD’s making that I became as hard as a stone… as firm as a stiff foundation. Until I forgot who I am and what I am here for…that Somebody watches over…Someone who will never let go…

And it was time to break me up into pieces. So by doing, I would see who am I as I pick up every piece of me that was all over the shadow of my daughter’s death…everywhere…for me to see… and perhaps to understand that life cannot go on as I wish..Because what I wish for are selfish desires leading towards my own destruction.

As I always say, death is horrible and it is the most painful experience that we go through. But in times like this there are always lessons to learn,… forgiveness to offer to  hated loved ones equally hurt by the loss,… sympathy from  long lost and forgotten friends… and even memories to keep and remember at the right time and place.

It is not always the happy moments that is worth remembering sometimes. Because it is when we shed  tears that kindness  grow within us  and the heart starts the healing. In the eyes of GOD a tear is worth a mended spirit. Because  that spirit was created to go home to its creator someday. And because death was never meant to hurt us… but to bring us on… to our journey home…

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Forgive Us Our Tresspasses

January 6, 2012

…As We Forgive Those Who Tresspass Against Us….

I was born poor, raised poor and lived my life trying to get out of a poor man’s miseries engulfed by the obvious shortage of everything. I grew up in a neighborhood where living is a daily struggle to have something on the table to eat…not three times a day but at least once a day. We brushed our teeth using salt instead of a regular toothpaste and most of the time took a bath using “Ajax” -the cheapest and the most popular laundry soap during our time. 

In a child’s mind, being  poor is  humiliation. I remember covering my face with a handkerchief when someone from school sees me mixing concrete on a pavement or walking four(4) kilometers from school to our home. I may say today that there is nothing wrong about being poor but maybe it is because I am not poor anymore. Yet, maybe, poverty is indeed humiliating.

I was so happy when I got my first decent shoes. I was always wearing worn out shoes from my cousins, sometimes too big and sometimes too small,  and I was so happy when my auntie susan gave me fifty pesos one christmas. I was crying in excitement when I bought those shoes despite spending my lifetime savings of fifteen pesos because the cheapest shoes available then are for sixty five pesos. On that day we were not able to cook rice for dinner. Because my father was expecting me to buy rice with auntie susan’s gift. But I needed those shoes in school. We were running in our P.E. classes and the blisters in my feet were killing me.

It is this experience and a lot more similar that gave me the instict  to fight back all sorts of opposition in my life, whether verbal, mental, emotional or physical. It is and it was a survival instict. But after a while, after I have done damages, i realized that my actions are not appropriate. I hurt a lot of people in trying to justify my actions…to prove I am not the one at fault…or and maybe to boast that I am perfect and cannot be wrong.

There are also those people who had pushed me to the edges. I never showed them my anger but I had my fury executed silently and unnoticed. 

I felt the need for confession, recentment and humility about two years ago. It was difficult for me because of the grief that i suffered so intensely and  the humiliation that I have endured. Nonetheless, I humbly ask for  forgiveness from those whom I had caused pains and troubles the same way I am extending forgiveness today to those who caused me aches, anguish and maybe ruined my life in certain ways. The time for healing has come, I guess. Letting go of all of these will set as free from distress and everything else. 

To this date I have sent about a hundred pairs of shoes to the Philippines for those who need them in the neighborhood where I lived. This year, maybe, I will bring or send more for both my former enemies and friends.  These shoes are specifically for those who cannot go to school or work  without them. Because I was once humiliated for not having shoes in school. Because from now on I want to be an instrument of hope…that everything was not made to last forever…that life is not about being rich or being poor…because life is simply a journey to a better life in heaven….because life is all about caring for everybody..forgiving and loving…

Loving you and loving me….