A Tear’s Worth

          “How much bitterness does a tear imply

            To let it fall and clouds the sky

            Can a single drop level endless pain

            So for lives lost it need not rain…”

Excerpt from the poem entitled ” MARAYA CHELYN” by the same author.

I can only remember three instances in my life where I cried really hard and let every single bit of frustration, pain, grief and fear flow out of me, myself, my spirit or whatever is there deep inside of me.  First  was when we were left alone very young by both our parents without anything.- Food, water and money. Second was when I unexpectedly attended a prayer meeting where I cannot stop crying for reasons  I cannot explain. And last was when my daughter died in a “slaughter”  hospital because I don’t have enough money to pay a decent one.

I always  feel better and stronger after each time I belt out the pain inside of me , however…as if I am ready to take the next  dosage of those unimaginable anguish that is always inviting insanity to my brain. At that particular time, when I was too young and helpless, I questioned the justice that is being instigated by a popular and trusted GOD. For a young mind, I guess, it is only normal. But for those  whose loved ones were taken away from them violently and unexpectedly, GOD never even exist.

My  neighbor best friend, who happened to be a pastor, once questioned GOD’s judgement after his older brother was shot to his death in a hold up incident about 200 yards from their home. “It was clear” he said, refering to GOD’s words, ” that those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.” And he burst in tears when he explained that his brother doesn’t even know how to hold a gun. At the time that he was so tired of crying, I came to say goodbye and told him that I felt the same way when my daughter died. But after two years I realized that what happened is the best for the family. I concluded by saying “let us talk about this again after two years” then  left the house and never looked back.

Exactly after a year he came to my door knocking one night. As soon  as I opened up he said “I guess you’re right. It is the only way he can go to heaven. ” He turned around and left without saying anymore word. I never  asked him about the reasons why he concluded or realized what he has said to me that night. I am not interested as I never told people why my daughter’s death had become an eye opener to the rest of us.

I had always believed that nothing more in my life can take me down on my knees and burst in anguish as I did when my precious daughter died. I thought life’s hardships had completely turned me into a man of steel, completely unbreakable. I supposed it was GOD’s making that I became as hard as a stone… as firm as a stiff foundation. Until I forgot who I am and what I am here for…that Somebody watches over…Someone who will never let go…

And it was time to break me up into pieces. So by doing, I would see who am I as I pick up every piece of me that was all over the shadow of my daughter’s death…everywhere…for me to see… and perhaps to understand that life cannot go on as I wish..Because what I wish for are selfish desires leading towards my own destruction.

As I always say, death is horrible and it is the most painful experience that we go through. But in times like this there are always lessons to learn,… forgiveness to offer to  hated loved ones equally hurt by the loss,… sympathy from  long lost and forgotten friends… and even memories to keep and remember at the right time and place.

It is not always the happy moments that is worth remembering sometimes. Because it is when we shed  tears that kindness  grow within us  and the heart starts the healing. In the eyes of GOD a tear is worth a mended spirit. Because  that spirit was created to go home to its creator someday. And because death was never meant to hurt us… but to bring us on… to our journey home…

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