I Wish HEAVEN

October 21, 2011

Indeed, why must I complain when You already gave Your life for my sake? I never really or want to understand that life here on earth is a prelude to a bigger life there with you in heaven. Maybe I just wanted to enjoy life here right now or maybe it is really my nature to sin. You made the rules simple and yet it is always difficult for me to follow. Love my neighbors and anything that will hurt them is a sin. So simple yet why can’t I follow a damn simple rule.

I complained about the miseries of my life without realizing that these will keep me in touch with you all the time. Maybe this is the reason why I am unhappy because happiness will draw me away from You. I prayed to win the lottery and promise to help those in need but I never realized that everyone of us is praying exactly the same prayer and making the same promise. 

I need not say anymore. All I intend to say right now is I wish to be in heaven and I am carefully thinking of what I must do to be there. Thy will be done then. Just make sure to guide me to heaven and I will adhere to the things that must happen to my life to get there. Please give me the opportunity to show my neighbors that I’d like to give what I have. LET ME WIN THE LOTTERY TO PROVE MY POINT. Thy will be done, my Lord.

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The PAINS of GOODBYE

September 15, 2011

How do you accept a future without someone you used to comfortably live your life with? How should you learn to tackle cruel circumstances of your life when you were used to rely mostly on that someone who gave you the courage to face almost anything…bear the hardest pain,… and conquer the toughest fight of your life?

My cousins Ajay, Ivy and Avy lost their dad when Ajay, the eldest, was barely a teenager. It was a lost that was so painful that I cannot forget until this day because of how Ajay cried over his dad’s remains and tita Elvie’s tamed grief accompanied by the constant sheding of painful tears and spoken sorrows overwhelmed by silent yet deafening screams. Ivy and, especially, avy, the youngest,  were so small that they were not fully aware of the realities that were facing them- living without a father and cruising life with barely enough money to build their own future. It was a tragedy. And it was horrible.

But auntie Elvie was the strongest woman I have ever known because she had manage to perform the role of a mother and a father for Ajay, Ivy and Avy. She stood as firm as a man to help her three beautiful children cross the cruelties of the circumstance  and live the extra-ordinary life that destiny has brought to all of them. The future that was so blunt was made the brightest for them by auntie Elvie, third to the youngest sister of my late father.

I have not much memories for auntie Elvie and my cousins. Not much but the memories I keep on the back of my mind with them are probably the best with regards to relatives encounters and reunions. Tito Arnold, their late father, was a friend to me instead of an uncle. He used to give me good advices on how to handle events and situations during those difficult days of our lives. Auntie Elvie took over on giving those advices as tito Arnold died unexpectedly. Tita Elvie remained the coolest tita that we had in my father’s side as far as I can remember. Ajay, Ivy and Avy remained distant to us as they live equally distant in Villamor Airbase in Metro Manila, about 90 kilometers or so from Pampanga. But everytime we meet in regular reunions, Ajay, Ivy and Avy were always the sweetest cousins that we can have in a group.

A month ago, auntie Elvie went to a coma and died gradually leaving Ajay, Ivy and Avy now parentless. I had always believed that God is a God of justice. Her death is her reward for such a good work raising three wonderful kids. She can now be with tito Arnold in heaven and look over their children from way up there. Avy is in her last year in college. Ivy is now a registered nurse and Ajay is engage to be married to an equally wonderful lady.

Death is always painful and horrible as it comes. But in the end, death will always be God’s will as it is for the common good of those who will be left behind. I do not know how it works with Ajay, Ivy and Avy right now. All I am aware of is that they were devastated by the lost and hurt so much. 

When my daughter died 15 years ago I cursed everyone and even God. As if the bitterness was endless and the pain was so deep. But now that I think of it, I just smile and thank God for everything and whisper in a prayer to tell my little girl how much her daddy loves her…and missed her. I cry sometimes but it’s alright. I have to have faith. Because I am so sure that God always knows what His doing…

My Amazing GOD

August 22, 2011

I cannot thank you enough for the things you have done and keep on doing to me and my family right now. Since the day i decided to leave everything about this life under your guidance and care, nothing had gone wrong anymore. This life has gone out of control a couple of years back and the moment i surrendered it all to You, You just kept on making me amazed with mini-miracles of all sorts. And today, i cannot believe how you turn hopelessness into something that i never even imagine that i will be in ever in this lifetime.   

I am constantly asking myself what did i do to deserve this kind of treatment from You. If everyone else received such love and compassion as i did, i am so sure that no one will ever sin again so easily. No one will be in despair and this world will be a better place for everyone.

FOR A WHILE and FOREVER

July 12, 2011

I never had the opportunity to tell you how much have I loved you. Everything went so past and I was caught unprepared by the  circumstances that placed all hell of things out of hand.  It was a life’s lesson. And since then I made sure that nothing will go wrong on your little sister’s turn… and later… your baby brother’s.

I also never had the opportunity to tell you how sorry I was. Daddy did everything he can to help you and give you all what you needed but daddy’s capability during those times were really not good enough to help you and keep you. I know how much you wanted to stay. I have seen how you fought to stay with us but my resources and your strenght cannot sustain what is necessary to win your battle.  I was ready to give my own life to keep yours but God just don’t like the idea. I was devastated when I found out that you gave up that  night of September the 16th.

Tomorrow you will turn 15. Your grandma always tell me to let go of the pains in my heart caused by your departure but time failed to heal this wound that was in here for almost 15 years now. On the day you died I held you in my arms tight and cried a million tears while we transported you from the hospital to grandma’s house. When we were inside, I went to a corner and cried louder as I held you and realize that your body is so cold. In your burial I said goodbye by kissing your forehead and as we lower you down your grave, I whispered  to God how much I was hurt  but I trust Him that you will be by His side and make you a guardian angel to watch over your future brothers and sisters.  Your little sister is 13 years old now and your baby brother is 3. I know you’ve been watching them for I have seen a lot of miracles that had happened to them since the day both of them were born.

I am writing this to let you know how much daddy had missed you. I still cry when I remember what you had gone through. You may have stayed with us for a while but I am  sure  God is keeping you forever. I look forward to the day we will see each other as you will come down here to take me and lead me to heaven. I am not afraid to die anymore for dying would mean seeing you and holding you in my arms one more time.

I love you so much baby. Happy birthday.

MY LIFE’S WORTH

June 30, 2011

Prov. 29:25

Dear Almighty Lord God Jesus Christ, I thank you for t his day, for this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I thank you for my being able to see, and to hear, and to speak, and to feel, and to taste of Your good creation this day and every day. I’m blessed because you are such a loving and such a forgiving God, and such an understanding and caring God.

You have done so much for me and yet you keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have ever done, or ever said or ever thought that was not pleasing to you. I say I am so sorry. I now repent and ask for your forgiveness. Please keep me safe O God from all danger, hurt and harm. Help me to start this day and every day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each every day, to clear my mind so that I can hear from you. Please broaden my mind so that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over, for all things are working together for my good and God’s Glory.

And when I’m pushed beyond my limits, give me the best response, a response which says alleluia, and praise the Lord, and thanks be unto the most high God Almighty, I know that when I can’t pray, You listen to the prayer of my heart. Continue to use me to do your will. Continue to bless me so that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong so that I may help the weak…

Keep me uplifted so that I may have words of encouragement for the discouraged. I pray for those that are lost and can’t find their way, that they come to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, even through this prayer I am now praying.

I pray for those that are misjudged misguided, misused, and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don’t know you intimately.
I pray for those who will delete this prayer without sharing the Love of God with others
I pray for those that don’t believe. But I thank You, that I do believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every one of the family members in their households.

I pray for peace, love, and joy in their homes; I pray that they are out of debt and that all their financial needs are met, and they have more than enough to be a blessing to others.
I pray for every eye that reads and says this Prayer that they come to know that there is no problem, no circumstance, no situation that is greater than God, for God is greater than all, God is greater in all, God is greater through all, and God is greater upon all.
For God, the Most High God Almighty of all the Universes is truly the Greatest of All.

I pray for all my enemies, and those who have used me and abused me, and have lifted up their hands and their tongue against me. I now forgive them for all they have done. In Jesus Name, all my enemies are now forgiven, and I pray God forgiveness upon all my enemies, for they do know what they are doing, for I am a Child of God. So every battle that I have ever encountered in my life is now in God’s Loving hands, for You, O God fights all my battles for me.

I pray that these words be believed, received and accepted into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every tongue that confesses them in name of Jesus Christ, I pray believing, receiving and accepting God’s miracles in my life this day and every day, for God’s Divine favor is now my heritage, in Jesus Name. Amen and Amen! It is done! O’ Praise The Lord! Alleluia!

In the Life of A Blessed Priest

June 14, 2011

( This is a story of a priest that had brought back my faith as a christian, whose catholic beliefs are dwindling due to the works of other priests who seemed to preach for money, and some of the stories he was telling that made me  cry everytime I retell them to my family, friends and others)

The first time I heard Father Danny speaks before an audience inside Holy Angel University, I knew right away that he is a tough competitor in the gruesome world of school comedy. I am the undisputed king of stand up comedy inside HAU for 13 long years  until this was contested by the assignment of Father Danny by the archbishop of San Fernando as the official Chaplain of Holy Angel for at least three years. You see, there is no way I could disagree against somebody with that kind of “gigantic” title in his name. And so Father Danny assumed the post.  And this has troubled me so much and almost made me insane as his fans grew in numbers as mine suddenly drop down to a selected few- a small group of my students who are very afraid of a failing grade that I may issue if my temper will go unlawfully wild.

So I made a plan on how to go about this problem. Plan A is to get to know the priest and know exactly his ways so he can be destroyed. Plan B is a step by step annihilation.  Exposure of his wicked ways will surely erase him in the face of Holy Angel. So everyhting was set…and  plan A went on…

Unfortunately, Father Danny is a good man. He never cared for money as most priest would. He chose to ride a jeepney rather than be in a luxury car. He donated half of the money HAU is giving him to the working students at HAU who skip lunch everyday. And because that money is not enough to feed them at least on lunch times, he spearheaded the launching of a project called “ANGEL WING” to raise some more to feed these unfortunate kids who are struggling to start the changes in their lives. Because he was so good, his three years of stay at HAU was extended to six years. And this has not bothered me anymore.

Among Danny, as he his fondly called, was our last speaker on a 2-day retreat in Olongapo City conducted in summer of 2007. Upon his arrival, he ordered the driver of the luxury car owned by HAU to go home and take the car back to Holy Angel. He said he will be happy to join the group on the way home back to Pampanga riding the school bus. I was never impressed hearing him say that he is living by faith, that he never keeps money and that he loves chocolates. My view upon this priest has changed when the bus stopped by the duty free stores in Subic Bay, where everyone was excited to buy something for the folks at home, while he stayed on the bus stressing that he really and literally never keeps money on his pocket and he had nobody in the priest house waiting for him by the door.

As I walk around the store I thought of buying this man a bag of chocolates so at least he would have something to put in his mouth while we go along the 2 hour ride back to the university. And as I hold the bag of kisses in my hand I smiled and told myself that this is not a bad peace offering to a priest I pre-judge on the very first moment I knew him. When we boarded the bus, almost everyone is giving  Among Danny a bag of chocolates until he had about 4 big bags filled with smaller bags of assorted and expensive chocolates. And I was so sure that he had the most number of chocolates that day. Before he said the traveler’s prayer for safety,  he told us that what just had happened is one of the reasons why he never needed money in the first place.

I was completely transformed by Father Danny when I heard this story which he had told in Baguio Country Club while the administration team of HAU was there to plan for the coming school year. We were having mass each day and the other guests of the hotel join us most of the time. On that particular day, I had the Mayor of San Fernando with me because he asked me if it is ok to join in the celebration of the mass. I nodded in approval of course. Right in the homily, Among Danny went on with this touching story;

” I am a fan of Mc Donald since I was a kid, dear brothers and sisters. The first time I tasted the BigMac, it left something in me that I never understood until now. Eating a BigMac became an addiction. Yet, believe it or not , I cannot remember the last time I tasted one. I had few opportunities but they end up to frustrations…and I may say glorious frustrations. You see, whenever I gaze upon that MCDonald building just on the other side of the road from the church, I cannot help but tell the lord to please let me eat a BigMac soon. And I will able to tell this opportunity if someone will give me the money equivalent to a BIgMac meal which is Php 120.00. And last week I had that opportunity.

My superior gave me Php 240.00 extra money saying that I had to treat myself for working so hard. And he even mentioned in particular that I must go and eat inside McDonald. I was so sure it was an answered prayer so I was not able to sleep that night because I was so excited for the next day because I prayed for one BigMac and the lord is about to give me not just one but two. The next morning I took a bath early and read my bible facing the clock for I know BigMac will not be served until 11:00 o’clock. And when the clock strike 11, I hurriedly kept my bible and went on down stairs and head to McDonald right away.

The attendants were so nice that when I ordered two BigMac meals, everyone is asking who’s with me. Upon getting hold of the tray containing my two BigMacs, two regular drinks and two regular french fries, I sat down in a long table and prepared to say my prayer of thanks. As I tried to close my eyes, a woman and a child in tattered clothes came in and started to walk toward my table. I said ” don’t ever do this to me my lord, please”, for I know if these woman and child will ask me for alms, I had to give them everything that I had infront of me. But they turned to go to the counter and I was relieved.

After saying my prayers I opened my eyes to see that the woman and child are sitting along with me in the table. I noticed that what they have in their tray is a small burger and no drinks whatsoever. The woman pulled out a candle and a match from her pocket and lighted up the candle and put it atop the burger and started singing a happy birthday song. I was shocked and the unfortunate happened. After she finished singing her birthday song, I grabbed their tray and replaced it with mine. I picked up the tiny burger and gave to them my two precious Bigmac meals. As I stood up, I held the kid in the head and said my happy birthday. The kid smiled and I went out of McDonald. As I walked to the priest house near the Holy Rosary Church, I ate the tiny burger and told myself it is sweeter than the two BigMacs because I just made a kid happy. And when I felt that the burger is stocked in my neck, I hurried up to grab some water to drink…”

At this point majority were blowing their noses. Mr. Mayor was busy drying his tears and I stood there with nothing to blow because tears and everything in my nose fell off already. After that day, Father Danny and I were the best of friends. And since then, my view of life and myself changed dramatically. I need not to be a priest to do what Father Danny is doing. I too can be an inspiration to everyone… I too can share what I have no matter how little it may be and start making those little souls happy…from now on…until the day I will come home…

IRON MAN

May 24, 2011

 

What makes a man, a man?

Is it the load he carried in his hand,

Or the pains he managed to bear in his heart…

While the strenght of his soul tear apart..?

What makes a man survive his agony?

And consider himself as just being unlucky…

For the bruises that were marked on his face,

And for his solitary life that’s  in a constant maze…

What makes a man, a man?

To make him differ from creatures in the land?

Is it the cross that he had to carry?

Or the endless chores that make him weary?

Then what makes a man out of myself?

Is it the hard labor that i try to survive,

To put the everyday food on the shelf?

Or the agony that I hide, to keep our dreams alive?

LETTERS of a Changing LIFE

April 19, 2011

Tita,
 
It does not matter to me anymore what my brothers and sister think of me. I told you the stories just to tell you what kind of life we had when we were kids. And i have told you the stories about how we were before i left the Philippines just to stress how we love each other and certainly not to boast on what i have done for them. I am not blaming them for expressing what they felt about what has just happen. Maybe i am just too proud for what i have accomplished in my life so far. And maybe it is true that God is shaking me up that is why my life is messed up right now. I deserve it.
 
But I do not regret being here in the US. I moved  closer to God and so far His punishment were so sweet. I came to know what my brothers and sister think about me and in return I managed to know them better. I will surely be a better brother to them when I return.

Dear Mom,

It is only now that I had realized that a family cannot go on without a mother’s guidance even how old the children had grown. For a while, I thought that being educated would make me free from your advises and make me a wise decision maker than you are. But now I guess I am not better than when I was 20 when I decided to live our lives without you but failed so many times on the way until you went to rescue us. This really shows that my educational degrees would not even go closer to your experience when it comes to dealing with my neigbors and living a good life.

I envy you for being respected and loved by almost everyone you know. You made serious mistakes too that should have ruined your stature but our neighbors and friends did not mind about them and continue to adore you. 

I am writing to express my desire of living with you again. To learn the things that may have slipped when I was growing under your care. Maybe our time of being together was just too short or I am too dumb to catch up on the right things that I should have learned from you. Teach me again how to make decisions that will not hurt my fellowmen…to live my life not being rediculed by those that I thought are my family or my friends. I miss you so much. I can’t wait for the day to be with you again.

THERE IS NO GOD

April 12, 2011

The fool hath said in his heart, there is no GOD…”  Psalm 14:1

With all that had happened to me in the past like Losing a daughter after spending 3 months straight in the hospital to help her as she fought for her life, witnessing before my eyes a father taken away by death little by little, skipping a meal or two in a day , walking a distance of 4 kilometers to go to school, and many many more,  I think I have gone thru enough to say that I am now fully aware of the life that was allegedely given as a gift by a “CREATOR” that we  either do not know or we doubt about “ITS” existence.

When I was in high school, My father and I usually walk 2 kilometers, or so, on our way home every saturday, right after completing a day’s work at bapang fred’s house or any of his jobs back then. I helped during those times so I could have some money to bring me to school for a week. On those particular bonding moments, he never get tired on telling me that our lives must be driven by a purpose. A purpose why we are doing all things that we have been doing. It is important, he said, that you give your life a purpose, a reason to live your life. He firmly believed that this will keep us going whatever odds are there confronting us, making life’s journey walkable even on a much more cruel circumstance.

I never understood what he was saying. If a purpose is really important, well I never seen one in his life. And if a purpose is that important, what is the purpose of creation if there is a GOD as everybody believed. As a child I always asked before accepting what is true and what is not. I always questioned the beliefs that I was raised on and the reasoning of my parents whenever there was something that I cannot understand. Or maybe, refused to understand. 

Is there really a GOD?

Well, that is an interesting question. When I think of life’s unfair treatment to me and the people I know, I can’t help but conclude that GOD is a myth. There is no after-life. Praying is a waste of time. Heaven is an imagination created by powerful people to tame the poor and psychologically stop them from staging battles to seek for fairness of life. Because it is not right that others eat so much while the rest of us die in hunger. That is why they made us believe that poor people go to heaven while rich people suffer in hell. To make us accept and prefer being poor rather than question the reasons of us living this way. We were denied of education to stop us from thinking otherwise. The poor must be kept as morons all the time.

Maybe this had happened because there is really no GOD.  Or, possibly, this is actually the proof that there is really a GOD.

I used to pray a lot. But I cannot remember a single prayer answered. All I am sure of is that there are countless miracles that had happened in my life that is why even how hard  life had been, I am still here fighting it. I thought I have live my life without a purpose. I learned my purpose by seeing GOD’s prupose in my father’s life. His life was taken away little by little to help him go to heaven whatever it takes. The suffering was long. But the gift of eternal life is forever. 

My life’s purpose is to guide my children where life must proceed, like my father’s. To tell them stories such as their grandfather’s and stories of other people who have chosen to believe that there is GOD rather than question the fairness of creation that had put them inside the cruelties of life. To learn from my mistakes and not with their own. To love their neighbors from my examples. I stopped praying because it never did good to me or to my life. Because THY will is better than my prayers.So I always say..THY will be done.

THERE IS NO GOD? I don’t think so.

We Dreamt a DREAM

April 5, 2011

Call us the Calibutbuteros. We are the unfortunate children of  Sitio Calibutbut, Bo. Telabastagan. Born with nothing on our hands and raised in a way where we put our lives in constant danger just to have something to eat on the table. Three square meals a day is a fantasy for all of us but we persistently dreamt a dream. The Lord has curved our destiny even before we were born. A destiny that would change the world of the poor children of Bo. Telabastagan that are in the same fate as we are 20 to 30 years ago. This is what the Lord wants us to do… and this is our story… 

We are a group of young people then (ages between 9 to 15 years old) who had managed to sneak some  time in our busy schedule to play despite tormenting our young bodies with work… to earn a little money so as to make sure that we will live another day. We were normal children but when it comes to battling life…we are a bunch of lean and mean fighting machines. Survivors of all types of calamity- The famous 40 days of Flooding in 1972 , the shocking  1991 8.0-magnitude earthquake along with strong aftershocks, gunfighting between rebels and government forces,  the dangerous world-known Mt. Pinatubo eruption and followed by the lahar onslaught in Pampanga. Name it and we survived it. We relied on the mercy of well-to-do others for our hospitalization and for dentist visits to pull out a brain-damaging-aching tooth.

WE WISH NOT TO BE HEROES but examples to the rest of the WORLD. Listen to our stories……